I have just returned from Dimensions, sitting on the 8 pm from Trieste next to twin screaming toddlers and next to a row of boys on a severe comedown.

Mate, shall we take a valium, Nah mate, it’s only two hours. Oh shit, I already took one; I have the following pearly nuggets of wisdom to share:

Bring Your Own Drugs

BYOD is a cast-iron law of successful festival-going. Never ask for other people’s drugs. It is not okay, especially at a festival, where drugs are in short supply and sold at wildly inflated prices. Sort yourself out (unless you’re willing to have sex in exchange. Literally, only blowies for pills will do).

Test Your Drugs in Advance!

When you’re at a festival, test your drugs in advance. It’s highly recommended to use a marquis reagent and an ehrlich reagent when experimenting with substances. Click here to learn more about testing your drugs. There are not that many portapotties, and we all need to use them.

Bring Your Own Water

Just buy it. You just spent four hundred or more on drugs. Seriously.

BYOC

The ‘C’ here stands for cigs and chewing gum. I lost track of the number of fucking people who asked me for cigarettes, and it’s always annoying. I’m a kindly soul, right, but you are trying my patience to quote my mother.

Share Contacts

So, if you have a decent dealer’s number, share. Sharing makes the world go around. Just ask Scottish Andy, the most-in-demand man at the festival.

I overheard dozens of people discussing him every day. That man gets more exposure than Miley Cyrus’ rubber-clad crotch at the VMAs.

Don’t Do The Cigarette Dance

I have a theory on this, which is that as more and more people come of age post-smoking ban and are unable to remember what it was like to smoke in clubs and bars (fuck me, I’m getting old), no one remembers that it is not okay to wave lit cigarettes in people’s faces.

I do not want DIY laser-eye surgery, thanks very much. Watch your cigarette.

Who Cares if You Know The DJ

No one gives a shit if you know the DJ, so shut the fuck up.

Novelty T-Shirts are Always Welcome

Massive props to the geeky dude in the front row of Daphni wearing a t-shirt saying, ‘hey laptop DJ, your girlfriend prefers 12 inches’. Worn with a sense of irony, the novelty t-shirt will always triumph over yet another fucking Millionhands.

For The Love of God, Do Not Have Sex in The Portapotties

There are fields everywhere. Just do it in a field.

Don’t Take photographs of Strangers

I know you’re not an official photographer, weird creepy dude who took pictures of me giving you the finger during Steffi because my mum bought me the same camera you have from the Argos in Canterbury when I was 17, can see you zooming in on my arse.

Don’t Make Silly Comments

Like ‘I’m going to rave so hard this boat’s going to sink’ or ‘I love it when you take so much ketamine that you become fluent in French – but, if you do so, do so loudly, so we can all laugh at you.

Don’t Try to Pay Your Taxi Driver in Pills

Nah, this is a currency out here, mate. This is currency, bruv!

Think About Your Sartorial Choices

Remember, perception is accurate—two words: nipple tassels.